Sunday, January 29, 2006

samples unedited but funny

And now, the rest of the stories. . . . I was at the local grocery store. Didnt have much to buy so I decided I would opt for the automated checkout service. A fresh faced teenager sitting in what can only be described as a mini pulpit was my guide through the upcoming murkiness and confusion. "Please scan first item", the animated screen said . So, I found the bar code and obeyed. "Please scan the second and third items. . . . . " you get my drift here. "Please give coupons to clerk" Then it hit me. The reason they have this aisle was not to make my life easier. It was so I could bond with the checkout folks, sort of a job sampling, emotional HR "feel good" experiment gone horribly wrong!They might as well have asked me the right formulation to 3 MILE ISLAND Nuclear Plant. It would have made as much sense to me! I could have been a lot more comfortable standing in line with the rest of the folks. But, no!I had to venture into Jetson Land and try to be clever. . It took probably twice as long to check out as it would have if I had just let Nick do it for me in the next aisle over. But I thought I was clever enough until finally lo and behold I scanned the Corona. . . time stops then and there boys and girls. All eyes look My mentor gives me the "I KNOW you're 21, POPS" signal "NO ID required" and motioned me to continue. I FINALLY FINISHED AFTER 2 DAYS. . . (actually 10 minutes)So, what did I learn? I am leaving this type of stuff to the experts. Btw, they just hired a new girl, I think I will get past the brow ring and pierced tongue and we might be friends. But she knows the scanners better than me. . .

I had to take an exam the other day to sell mutual funds. Yes, there is a test for everything but I swear this one doesnt tell you which ones that will grow 90% a year just lets you sell the good apples along with the bad.

Now, this building, first of all, is a security design project. Much like Seinfeld's appt, they have to buzz you in. I stopped in the rest room.Anyways I am in the stall when I notice a key lock on the toilet paper holder. Not just one of those flimsy-mimsy token lock you can open with a fingernail clipper, but a serious tumbler grinding set. My brother is a locksmith. I started to ask him about this stuff. But they have some kind of a "Locksmith Oath" and getting information out of him is like visiting day as Guantanamo. It ain't gonna happen.
So, I look this thing over and ask myself, "If I were a =Charmin thief, would I really case out a joint like this"Then it hit me like a ton of bricks, I had heard this on NPR, that most of the inside tissue heists of 2001(the latest FBI statistics) were inside jobs. "Hmm, so maybe there ought to be a confidential informant working on a percentage of Mr Whiffles TP budget. If he saw any inside to paper deals or somebody posting some 'just too good to be so soft deals' on the building's bulletin board, he just might have to call the hotline. "
1-800-4TP-INFO. Its amazing what comes to your mind, before you open the stall door and face the world again.

PS, I did pass the test. Need to take a look at your portfolio?--------------------------------------------


Nextel- 'You're Done!"

A friend of mine is so proud of his walkie talkie cell phone. The unique chirp that alerts him to an incoming call. The fact that NASCAR is no longer sponsored by Big Smoke but now by BIG Airwaves.seems to have made them more popular.
You can hardly go into a restuarant with out hearing that 'chirp' and the conversation fills the room.
Mostly, it is home remodelers and realtors. I really can't get turned on by Square footage and padding choices but my guess is the talkers and phone makers think the vast American public does because most of these people hold the walkie talkies cocked sideways at arm's length not up to their ears. I bet this is not the preferred technique in CIA spy school.

One day he met his match , literally and got married.

The were celebrating their first year anniversary and decided to spend a night "in" rather than go out. He had made dinner for them and was just getting ready to serve, when he realized he had forgotten the Riesling wine. Hurriedly, he rushed out to the local Groc-A-Rama and found the last bottle of West Bend 1998.
"Wow! My lucky day, (and night, the thought with a wry grin). Hey, Sweet heart, I love YOU". He crooned into the Nextel.
"I love you too sweetie, hurry home!" He circled the store once more .He picked up another bouquet of flowers his heart beating with anticipation.
He had just made it up to the checkout when the Nextel chirped back again. There was a slight pause after the trademarked
"Uh, honey?"
"Yes Sweetness?"
"You on your way?
"Just checking out. You need anything but me?" He held the phone mid air so the rest of the check out world could share in his bliss.
"Just one thing, you might want to turn down the volume and put the phone to your ear, hon"
Hon, its OK, Go ahead tell it to the Doctor!
She proceeded to announce to the world- ..."you know the ones they advertise on TV, with WINGS?"
His broad smile precipitated into disappointment
"Aisle 9b", the checkout girl pointed the way.
As he walked back towards the front, he alternately shifted from the faux underarm shoplifter mode to the-thumb- forefinger pinch- corner- technique.
Wine, flowers,dinner,love, Nextel....DONE


School starts soon and so I took the little tribe to Emerald Pointe Water Park here in central NC If you go early in the week It's like going twice in one day for half the price. The waiting time is half so you tend to over do the rnumber of times you go crazy. ONLY IN AMERICA. So, the BIG event/ ride/ attraction that draws the most attention is called the Dare Devil Drop. This is a 70 ft tower with a wet sliding board on it. THAT IS ALL it is. My oldest went down the wet-n-wild death invitation like an olympian champ. I told my 10 year old son, "Dont let a girl out do you" that he ought to try it. So much for fatherly protection. . . "Yeah, if its so easy you do it", he mumbled. It was not disrespect. It was the equivalent of a triple dog dare. I could not back down now. Besides, I had to prove to the little guy his dad was not chicken poop. I surveyed the tower of fear. The lump in my throat was the size of the Rock of Gibraltar. The weight was about the same too by the time I climbed the mile and a half of steps. I made it to the door. I left my heart on the top step right near the slide. The expert 'thrill guide' gave me my last rites, I mean instructions . . . all about how I need to lie back, cross my arms on my chest (about like I would look in the casket at my wake, I hope they will be able to pry the fear off my face before they bury me). And then I flushed out the opening and dangled into thin air. Wasn't there supposed to be water under me? Well, for a good 2 hours(read 1/10 of a second) I was between heaven and earth suspended only by my scream. Finally, I felt water under me, hoping it wasnt my own. (you will figure it out). I must have been moving down the splish splash slope faster than qualifying day at Daytona. The reason why people do it again and again and again hit me. I had looked death in the face with one eye open and whipped its scrawny. . . little. . . wet. . . butt. Adrenalin coursed through my veins like a new drug. My son was happy he had a story to tell his friends and I was glad I had conquered the beast. Bring it on, again. But could you add an ski lift to the top? And one more thing, call Triple A. This wedgee I got from the down hill is going to need a tow truck to remove!


IT was a SUNDAY like a lot of others except it snowed and snowed and sleeted and snowed
making the ultimate WESTERN FLYER SLEDDING conditions! The boys, there are six of us had ran the slopes over and over ‘til we could hardly walk. Our NUMB FINGERS did not stop us, we were on a mission . . . we missed church that day, because in the south if it
flurries three flakes, IT IS A LAW: a school close banks close and certainly churches close. During Sunday lunch, Dad fidgeted feverishly.
Finally, he left the table with out a word, we all thought it was time for the buzz saw nap. In ten minutes a figure dressed in in red insulated underwear masquerading as a ski bibs came down the hall. The only thing standard was the brown toboggan with the fuzzy ball on top. Some where under ALL THAT was my dad.

"Where are you going, Kenny?" Mom asked nervously. " I AM GOING SLEDDING ", He boomed in his deepest Man voice as if to drown out any preemptive objections. Before she could saying thing else, Dad slammed the door and was heading on the path of personal glory.
"GO STOP HIM BEFORE HE KILLS HIMSELF", She rushed my brother ZERO (explanations, later story) and me out the door behind the RED MAN.
Too late. Dad had embraced the WESTERN FLYER in what can only be described as a Modified Luge/Bobsled Mount. His feet were on the WOODEN steering struts . . . that had like the snow, FROZEN SOLID in the single degree air. The rest of him sat up right, he held the pull string in his hands. " WELL, "ARENT YOU GOING TO GIVE ME A PUSH?", he demanded.
We complied with what only can be compared to the catapult on the USS KITTY HAWK as we launched our downhill race daddy forward a fraction under the speed of sound.
He yelled and hollered like all of us other kids. . but trouble in the shape of a steel clothes line post jumped up in front of his view. With a quick and jerky slam, he smashed his right foot on the frozen sterring bar only to see it break off like a Popsicle stick sail in front of his face to the left while the sled continued 'locked on' toward the immovable target.
What happened next has been the source of unending debate. I was on the scene but cannot report from every angle. But needless to say straddled, as he was, legs open in a VEE . . . . . The missile hit the post. We heard the distinctive ping as the of the sled's steel front hammering in to the metal of the upright.
Dad's body in accordance with the laws of of physics, enertia and momentum embraced the post! It was like watching a JOE KIDD Clint Eastwood movie. When Clint shot a sniper with His own telescopic rifle from what must have been a mile away . . . there was the sudden impact of the trauma and then the slow realization that it was TROUBLE . . . . . THE WHOLE EVENT WAS IN SLOW MOTION . . . . . .
When real time returned, we ran and slipped down the track, only to hear his moaning in our ears and even FEEL it through our boots.
When Mom got him to the ER . . . . They were swamped. Somehow, an X-ray of the affected area including HIS PELVIC BONES was posted in the waiting area. . . . . . The triage of boys Dad's age being treated made it necessary to use all available space. . . and this was more than 20 years back. . . things change.
Mom learned despite some bruising and embarrassment that Dad was going to live another 100 years if he behaved. She sighed and then smiled thankfully. About the same time a LADY sitting beside her LEAPED TOWARD PELVIC X-RAY.
"That's my husband" she exclaimed. Mom, always seeing humor even in the face of potential tragedy, asked her,
"WHY do you think that is YOUR husband?""Listen. " She continued, " I have lived with that man for 26 years, They brought him in here after he hit his ole head" And then, looking my mom in the eye with a certain stare and tapping her determined finger on the X-RAY exclaimed, "I-WOULD- KNOW- HIS- BIG- OLD- EARS- ANYWHERE!" { }
|xray|Mom just smiled. And we have had a story to tell at every holiday


Subj. BOTOX and Beauty shops

From a guy's point of view

Adventures in Tanning . . . Girls you own the world and you just dont know it. If you don’t believe me, look at the meek faces of a guy who shows up at a tanning parlor.
The girl who just drank chalk and bleached her skin instead of her hair with peroxide has 100 times the confidence of the naive men as they slink in the door.
"Ok" I ask, "what do I wear in the booth/bed?"
"You can wear whatever you want to"says thedominant female who knows my weakness and her power over me, , , , , ,
to make a long story shorter, I found my self in a room smaller than a PHONE BOOTH waiting for the sniper to call(see the movie). I could have gone for the bed but chose the stand up version . . . . I haven’t been without clothes in bed in a long, long, time and dog gone it, even with love amnesia, I still knew the laydown system was not my cup of tea!
before long I was wearing only what my mom, nature, and age and puberty gave me. . . wondering what was next. . . . i signed so many forms, I think I signed one that said if I was vaporized into dust, the Kmart next door could use me as potting soil in the garden section. . . . NEXT TIME YOU GO READ THE FINE PRINT!!!!
I affixed the X men goggles and BOOM! The blues lights from UV-Land light up my naked world . . . the radio was set to the ALT station, which quickly told me which planet I was on. . . EARTH
2003 . . . fasten my seatbelt its going to be a bumpy ride!8 mins later, (i got to move up to 12mins later, the top fuel position) the lights went off and my toasted body emerged. . . . Feeling strangely like microwave popcorn- I wanted a coke.
When I returned to the lobby, i could tell by the quickly hushed giggles that I was the topic of conversation. (i remembered what some one told me. sometimes you are NOT paranoid they REALLY ARE talking about you. . . LOL )i guessed they might be talking about me, not because I was so tough and buff, but because I was the rarity. . . . . a man who didnt want to face the sun w/o a prep start! EITHER THAT OR I was as VAIN AS SOME OF THE TANNED TEENIEBOPPERS THAT RUN THE PLACE . . . . ( I was vain indeed in that I actually went to GNC and bought some supplements to boost my TQ- the Tanning Quotient of my skin)When you start asking about packages and a brochure, they know they have their UV hooks in you. . . DEEP! DEEP! FIGHT THE RAYS!
That BLASTED MISTRESS, she calls now me like Brave Ulysses' Siren wooed him to the rocks. Any ways, there was fun for all . . . . With or with out a tan line . . . I don’t have raccoon eyes do i? Girls, all I can say is you make it look SO EASY!